If she's holding back sex...

When she is holding back sex, it can means basically one of two things:

1. she has other worries outside the relationships that she needs to address
2. she's not so attracted to you anymore

In either case, pushing her is the wrong thing to do. If she isn't in the mood, whatever the reason, trying to force her will only push her away from you even more.

If you want to unlock her sexual desires, you must work on connection: don't push her to have sex, but don't pretend you don't care either. Tell her what you would like to do to her sexually without shame, but be prepared to connect with her in a different way (cuddle with a movie, give her a massage, walk holding hands, etc).

You don't want to show her that you NEED sex for validation or any other reason. And more so you don't want to FORCE her to have sex (because you need it or it's the "right" thing to do).

"Obligation is the opposite of attraction." --Vin DiCarlo

Show her that you are in control of yourself and don't force her in any way. Don't be ashamed of yours (and hers) sexual desires and talk about them freely in a non-judgemental way, but be also patient and caring. Don't be needy and continue to seduce her like the first day you saw her, being the man that she fallen in love with.

This is something that you can "fake it 'til you make it": even if you feel needy, act as you are actually confident and when she will give herself to you again you will have proved to yourself that being confident actually works. And when something works, you feel doing it more and more.

And when you two (or three :-) will enjoy again the pleasures of sex (if you remain calm, it'll be sooner than you think), make it a joyful experience. Be confident, take your pleasure from her body without embarassement: she is eager to please you. But don't forget to give her all yourself too.

Remember: it's more important what she does than what she says. Observe the situation and make your decisions based on what you see. When you feel she is ready, take the lead and guide her to the bed.

Approach Anxiety?

A little bit of anxiety is natural I believe (the adrenaline rush that you CAN begin to love and chase: it's the thrill of the hunt), but too much anxiety is due to wrong beliefs that you hold about yourself, women and the world.

Are you like that?

Healty communication

You can always maintain a good relationship if you communicate effectively and you can manage discussions the right way. It's an art in itself, and I'm still learning (and re-learning) it.

The most important ingredient for an healty relashionship is communication and to do it the right way I have some tips:

Trust her.
Don't listen too much to your negative emotions: they are the product of an interpretations of the facts based on your beliefs, and they are not always right (in fact, they are usually not based on reality). Trust her, this should be always your first option.

Talk with her.
Don't be shy or let her figure out all by herself, if there is something that bothers you, tell her that. Talk with her in a light and non-judgemental but firm way. Balance trust and a calm mind with assertiveness. Don't fight her but gently and firmly speak your mind.

If you repress your concerns because your fear of lose her, you'll only amplify them, and at the worst time you'll explode and cause a big (and useless) fight.

Or, it can happen as a surprise that you have misunderstanded the situation or that she had very good reasons to do what she done. If you confront her when angry and emotional in this situation, you will appear very insecure and immature.

To speak with her you must be calm. But if you feel too emotional, do yourself a favour: Wait at least a day and in this day write down what you think and analyze it with an empty mind. If necessary, talk about it with some close friend. You will be glad that you did it...

Be willing to forget
When she knows that she has mis-behaved and admitted it, show her some emotional stability: forget and hug her.

You want to earn her respect by having self-respect and standards of behaviour, but you also want to be a source of happiness and positive emotions for her.

Remember the pain principle: everyone seeks the pleasure and runs away from the pain. Administer some tough-love when needed, but keep it in balance with trust and emotional stability.

Life is strange

It's saturday night and I'm sitting home waiting for my girlfriend to call me. Yeah, because it turns out that she's really illed, and if she'll be ok later we'll meet at her home.

When it comes to thoughts, if you are equipped with negative beliefs and emotional you can't trust them. It's tough because it seems that you can't trust your own judgement. But as you already know, you already have this best judgment into you, you only need to LISTEN to it and be willing to do the right thing. Trust the "Man voice" in your head.

In summary: your views of the world are filtered and shaped by your thoughts and beliefs. If your beliefs are wrong, you will repeatedly observe that in a lot of situations you simply misunderstand what happens to you. You can get angry or needy when there isn't any reason. And if you are not careful you can ruin all you have done with a particular chick and lose her.


"What? You were out to pick some medications for you? I believed... I was thinking... oooh how stupid I am!" And when things like that happens again and again you really begin to feel stupid.

It's not easy because you feel without control, a victim of your mind. Well, not neccessarily. You can gain control by focusing on the right things and cultivating positive (and more true) beliefs. How? Simple: meditation and CBT. Warning: simple, not easy!

Listen to the Man in you

When, after 1 MONTH of abstinece and barely seeing each other, your girlfriend say: "I'm a bit ill, and I don't feel like having sex" this is a signal that there is something wrong going on. A flashy signal big like a building.

She is distant and doesn't want to talk about meeting later. You feel bad, betrayed, resentful and scared of losing her. What's the right thing to do? Getting clingy and needy, calling her and praying that she go out with you because it's not "right" if she doesn't fulfill her duty as a girlfriend? Or perhaps stay calm and say something like this: "Clearly you need to think about our relationship. Call me when you will have make up your mind, and if I'm still free we'll hang out and be happy again."?

I don't need to say (I hope) that the second option is the way to go. But if you still have a hard time doing it ("It's simply not right, she is disrespecting me, she is supposed to hang out with me because she is my girlfriend...") think about it this way:

You clearly have two voices in your head: the Loser (the nice guy that is scared like hell of losing her and angry because after all that he has done to her she is still holding back sex) and the Man (he is the one that knows how to behave, the one that is calm, has respect for himself and understand that he is better alone that in a poisonous relationship). And you have the choice to listen to who you want. You can decide to listen to Loser and BE a loser, or listen to the Man in you and making the right choice.

It's a matter of taking into consideration your self-respect and to willingly sacrifice a short term gain for a long-term one.

Do you like her? Do you want to save the relationship? Then don't think about her too much and make some space between you two. Show her that you are willing to walk away, enough mature and emotionally stable to not freaking out. Let her go, and she'll return.

It's difficult, but if you don't do that, you'll be again single very very soon.

PS:
There is something cathartic with writing your situation and analyzing it with your "Man" hat on your head.

How to ruin a relationship

I'm currently in a relationship for a year and a half now, and I'm ruining it.

When I started to learn about the right attitude and mindset of the seducer, I've attracted this girl and made her my girlfriend. Sadly, I've done the typical mistake of the newbie: once in a relationship, and the boat is going happily on the river, I've pulled my oars out of the water and stopped doing the things that attracted her to me in the first place. "I'm in a relationship now, I don't need to work at it anymore". I was DEAD WRONG. As you can imagine, this is not the most exciting and useful thing you can do in a relationship...

It was all happiness and the shining light of love over us, it was like our love was immortal and sure like the taxes and the death... then once I stopped doing the right things, she turned a little away, and I become insecure and needy. I tried to control it at first, but as I've already written, trying to control negative emotions is not good.

I went in a downward spiral of attitude, and all I've experienced (filtered by my crappy beliefs) and done since the beginning contributed to worsen the situation.

Now I'm trying to recover from this. How? This is what I'll try to do everyday:

• Meditate. Meditation is a technique to train your focus and attention.
• CBT. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy. To break my old patterns of thought, install more positive beliefs and learn to deal effectively with my emotions.
  
• Affirmations. They are useful? I don't know, but I'll experiment with them.
  

This will be my daily routine. We'll see.

The right thing to do

I'm a pragmatic guy. Or at least, I try to be like that. That means that I like to be concrete, practical and goals-oriented. In short, being pragmatic means to do what works. And after a while that you study seduction material, you have sufficient data to know what is the right thing to do in a bunch of typical situations.

So it's easy? Not at all! In my case, sometimes even when I know EXACTLY what is the right thing to do, I do what doesn't work. When I'm emotional often I know what I have to do, but I think "fuck with that!" and do the opposite. I hate when my mind works against my own interest.

When I'm angry or too anxious, my reason and my good sense is bullied by my amygdala. My mind is taken by storm and I do something that I'll regret later on: "what the hell I've done? What the fuck I was thinking?"

The mind is extremely complex, and if you have problems (social phobia, excessive shyness, anxiety, depression and the like) you can make it worse if you don't know how the mind works. Specifically, if you try too hard to control you negative emotions and thoughts, you will multiply and reinforce them. This is my problem.

Instead, you must accept them and without trying to shut them off, direct you focus (attention) on something more positive (and useful, remember I'm pragmatic).

Who the hell is Sawyer?

I suppose the first post of every blog should be a greeting and a presentation of the blogger and the blog itself.

Well, I guess a little of background could be useful. I'm a european man (so be gentle with my english) in his twenties. And I'm a recovering nice guy. This blog will contain, among the other things: rants, ramblings, tons of spelling and grammar errors, and occasionally some insights on seduction and personal development.

I'll not hold back anything (thanks anonymity!): there here you will find rough language and pro-man talk (pro-man doesn't mean anti-woman, keep that in mind), so if you don't like it this is not the blog for you.

The mission statement of this blog will be: I want, once and for all, clear my mind from all the shit that I've accumulated and finally be free of being who I am without all the fears, negative beliefs and cognitive biases that hold me back. I want to believe in me, in my skills, attractiveness and ability to obtain some pussy. I don't want to fear loneliness anymore, and I want to finally become who I've always been...

I'm also interested in psychology. I'm what you can call a "smart guy" (or a geek for the rest of us) that is usually busy thinking too much. So there will be a lot of mind-related posts and, of course, mental masturbations...

BTW, Sawyer is the famous character of Lost: the classic "jerk". For more on my alter-ego, look his page.

DISCLAIMENT
I'm NOT a guru or an expert of any kind (not in seduction anyway). I'm someone that is trying to do his best to be finally happy about himself and his relationships. 

I write like I'm preaching only because the better way to make up your mind and learn something is to teach it to someone. So this is my humble attempt to learn how to set me free from my self-limiting habits and uncover my true nature.